


Taylor Hebert: Time Cop

by EtchJetty



Series: Etch's Sketches - A One-Shot Collection [12]
Category: Original Work, Parahumans Series - Wildbow
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen, Meme, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-11-15 12:43:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20866436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EtchJetty/pseuds/EtchJetty
Summary: My name is Taylor Hebert, and I’m a Time Cop. It’s both more cool and less cool than it sounds.More cool: I get to travel to all periods of history, stopping other rogue time travellers from trying to rewrite history.Less cool: It turns out a lot of time travellers are interested in killing Baby Hitler.





	Taylor Hebert: Time Cop

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Worm except it's filled with shameless, disgusting fan service](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/524279) by LiterallyWormExcept. 

> Happy anniversary, Undertale! In celebration of the first real fandom I was ever a part of, I’ll be reviving this snip-thread, and releasing a snip every day for as long as I have a backlog.
> 
> Original description from when this was posted on PCT:
> 
> After 3,000 years... I finally finished my PCT Snip for Pita. Featuring a cameo character you might not have expected.

My name is Taylor Hebert, and I’m a Time Cop.  
  
It’s both more cool and less cool than it sounds.  
  
More cool: I get to travel to all periods of history, stopping other rogue time travellers from trying to rewrite history. I’ve explored ancient Rome, Elizabethan London, some of the ancient kingdoms of Africa, and so, so much more. I could blow Mr. Gladly’s mind ten times over with what I’ve seen. For example: Shakespeare? Totally looks different than the famous picture. It’s crazy.  
  
“More tea, Fräulein Hebert?”  
  
Less cool: It turns out a lot of time travellers are interested in killing Baby Hitler.  
  
I nod, taking the cup from Frau Hofbauer.  
  
Which means in practice that I spend a lot of time protecting Baby Hitler.  
  
As a side effect, I've gotten quite friendly with the nursery staff.  
  
“Thank you,” I tell her honestly, taking the tea. One of the most underrated parts of early 20th century Austria is the tea. Not that people, y’know, compare the different teas of various European countries through time.  
  
I mean, I do. But I’m a time cop, so, like, myeah.  
  
Frau Hofbauer was too kind, really. She didn’t know English, but she didn’t question my weird non-accent when I spoke. I can't believe people in the past didn't have universal translators, but, then again, writing wasn't even invented until about 10,000 years ago. It's all relative, really.  
  
As I sip my tea, Hofbauer looks at the baby in the crib beside her. “How many this week?” she asked, careful not to wake him.  
  
“Only three,” I say. “I took care of them, don’t worry.”  
  
Hofbauer shakes her head. “I don’t understand why so many people would go after such an innocent baby,” she says. “What’s the worst that would happen to him? You told me he would become a famous watercolor artist.”  
  
“I have no idea,” I lie. “There are certain people throughout history who are just targeted for some reason or another. The ones we fail to save we just never learn about.”  
  
Hofbauer dabs at her eyes with a handkerchief. “I’m just so glad that even in the future people are caring enough to go out of their way to save one baby. Every life is so precious...”  
  
I cringe slightly, covering it with my tea. Goddammit, Hofbauer. It wasn’t like _I_ hadn’t given thought to killing Baby Hitler. But we all learned in training what exactly happens when Baby Hitler dies; nuclear armageddon that kills a solid quarter of humanity over the span of a few years and permanently irradiates so much more.  
  
There’s an extremely well-produced documentary. It’s not a fun watch.  
  
Anyway. I was about to come up with an excuse to get up when one conveniently presents itself; my smart watch beeps. Someone was about to (well, “about to” is relative) kill another baby important to history.  
  
I stand up. “Frau Hofbauer, this has been an excellent time and I’m glad for the tea, but duty calls.”  
  
“Oh, don’t let me keep you!” she says. “And if someone tries to kill little Adolf again...”  
  
“I’ll be there just in _time_,” I say, and we both smile. Puns.  
  
I press a few key buttons on my smart watch, and disappear into the timestream, the setting of a 20th century nursery melting away in front of me. My time-period outfit fades away into my protective time suit, and my time helmet forms around my head. Below my feet, my time board appears, and I begin skating the time stream, hovering into the future.  
  
Hey, don’t judge the buzzwords! Everything I said was 100% accurately named!  
  
My destination? “Take me to June 20th, 2013,” I tell my board. “The... pocket dimension of one ‘Dodge,’ early evening. Dimensional coords double-u bee dash eight four dash oh two one.”  
  
My board kicks into high gear, the nitrous sending me speeding along, my suit’s boots keeping me safely attached to the surface. I hold my watch-arm out into the open air, and a portal shoots out from the end of it, opening towards my destination.  
  
I hang ten as my board accelerates into the future.  
  
Fuck yeah.  
  
Being a time cop was _awesome._  
  
\---  
  
The portal opens into some scientist’s mobile home, the room littered with biological components and futuretech tools. Those were... probably illegal. I’ll have to fill out so much paperwork... This “Dodge” guy had a large room filled with cloning vats, babies growing inside. Am I supposed to stop someone from killing one of these?  
  
I look at the profile on my watch. Apparently I’m supposed to save someone named Aster Anders. I don’t remember her name as someone important from my home timeline, but, somewhat ironically for a time cop, I wasn’t the best in history class. Which, to be fair, wasn’t my fault, Mr. Gladly just sucked.  
  
Anyway. Back to the matter at hand. I decided to give up on being cool and just asked my watch, “Point me to her.”  
  
The deployment of a small amount of fog and a red laser later, I was on my way, following the direction of the laser pointer.  
  
Suddenly, I realized the room I was about to enter had people in it. I whispered “activate cloaking” into my watch and felt the cool invisa-particles wash over me.  
  
I didn’t come up with the name, don’t judge me! They worked extremely well, too!  
  
I press myself against the wall and begin to take in my surroundings.  
  
Looking to the left, I see several people. A woman with a pink strip in her hair. A kid in grey bodypaint. A woman holding a prop microphone. A zebra-woman. Johnny Depp.  
  
Then I see him. A man covered in scars, holding a baby. I compare the baby to the one on my watchface. This had to be her. Now for planning extraction. This was, of course, the hardest part of the job. Being a time cop relied on skills. Planning. And of course, execution. Time cops needed to analyze the killer, the target, and the route, and be able to potentially blend in to any time period. But I could do this. I’m Taylor Hebert! I’m clever!  
  
Before I can do anything clever, though, I feel several bugs fly past me. They ignored me, due to the invisa-particles, of course, but they were there.  
  
Weird that there’d be bugs in a pocket dimension. Maybe this “Dodge” guy was just into that. I don’t judge! It’s a free society and all that! But, I, oh, I’m getting off track.  
  
Back to the story. Right as I notice that, someone runs past me, gun cocked. She shoots the girl with the strip in her hair, then the woman with the prop microphone drops dead. She hesitates.  
  
Fuck. Was this my target? I had to kill someone in costume dressed like a giant bug? I don’t want to be the killer of a franchise mascot!  
  
Luckily for me, I have time to contemplate. My watch’s emergency function activates, turning the entire compound except me and Aster greyscale.  
  
I don’t like using the emergency function. Not only was I docked pay if I had to use it, but it made jobs way too easy. Sighing, I walk over and pluck Aster out of the arms of the scarred man. Whatever. Job done. The crying baby in my arms looks at me, stops crying for a moment, but starts crying again.  
  
Man! What do you have against Taylor Hebert, Aster Anders?!  
  
Sighing, I put the baby down and activate the “recovery” feature of my watch. The baby disappears, but she’ll appear next to the most eligible guardian alongside a detailed explanation of what happened. Cool the first time around, but after the hundreth disappearing baby it just becomes routine. That’s the grind, though.  
  
Before I go, though, I decide to do something I rarely get to do without the emergency function.  
  
I tap a few buttons on my watch and unfreeze the girl with the gun.  
  
“What the fahck,” she says. “What happened?”  
  
“What do you mean, what happened?” I say. “You were about to shoot Aster Anders!”  
  
She turns to me, murder in her eyes. “Who the fahck are you,” she says. Damn. When she turned her entire body... I never knew someone with that figure would be _in _the baby-killing business, but...  
  
“I’m Taylor Hebert, time cop,” I say. “And you are?”  
  
“I’m d u m m y THICC Weaver,” she says, explaining nothing. “You just dissapeahed my fahcking baby, kid.”  
  
I have no response. No words.  
  
“Your baby?” I ask. “The one you had the gun pointed at?”  
  
“Hey it’s a free fahckin country, kid. I can shoot whoever the fahck i want, we’re in America.”  
  
“We’re in Dodge’s pocket dimension,” I explain.  
  
“Everywheahe’s America,” she says.  
  
...  
  
I have no logical response to that. So instead I just ask, "Why her?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Why kill Aster Anders, one of the..." I tap my watch. "Huh. Leading founders of the anti-parahuman group Hoser. I haven't heard of, like, half those words."  
  
"You're a fahckin hoser, kid."  
  
"Is that a compliment?" This is me genuinely asking.  
  
“Fahck off, kid. Wheah’s my baby, she’s got a date with my fahckin pistol,” said... Dummy Thick Weaver.  
  
“You are the single most determined baby murderer I’ve ever seen. And I’ve met a lot of baby murderers.”  
  
“Thanks,” she says, and smiles. God _damn_. I didn’t know a baby murderer could look so...  
  
Wait, what was I saying!? “Dummy Thick Weaver, you’re under time arrest for the attempted murder of Aster Anders.”  
  
“It’s pronouhnced d u m m y THICC Weaver, kid,” said Dummy Thick Weaver.  
  
“That’s... what I said?”  
  
“You fahckin didn’t, kid,” she says.  
  
“I’m not even going to try and engage with you anymore,” I say, and arrest her.  
  
\----------------------------------------  
  
I reappear in Baby Hitler’s nursery, disgruntled. Hofbauer startles when I appear, but smiles when she sees me. “How did it go, Fräuline?” she asks.  
  
“Terrible,” I say. “The murderer was an alternate version of me from a timeline where I never fell into the timestream and got sent to the future. Also superheroes were a thing. Also she was _extremely attractive_. Also she was an idiot.”  
  
“That’s... nice?” says Hofbauer.  
  
“It would be nice,” I say, “if it didn’t mean I had to sit through another three hours of training about what to do if you meet your alternate self. In my defense, she was costumed! And curvy!”  
  
“Well, you certainly aren’t curvy,” says Hofbauer.  
  
I groan. “That’s exactly what I needed to hear, thanks.”  
  
“Well,” says Hofbauer, glancing at her watch, “I’m about to go on a dinner break, and Josephine will take over for me to watch Adolf. Do you want to talk this out? There’s this new restaurant that just opened a few blocks away.”  
  
...y’know what? “That would actually be great,” I say.  
  
And so we went.

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to LiterallyWormExcept for letting me use his character!


End file.
